I have never seen any installment of The Fast and the Furious. I think the first one may have been showing on a bus I was on with the sound off, but for all intents and purposes I don't know a single thing about this wildly successful franchise. From what I understand, it's all about a bunch of people who race their cars illegally. Paul Walker was the star until his untimely death, and I'm pretty sure they worked his death into Fast 7.
Now we're at Fast 8, and I can't wait to see it. Free of context, ignorant of backstory, clueless as to the entire point of these movies.
I should stress up front that My Dinner With Andre is in my top ten movies, that loud noises make me uncomfortable, and that I in general don't give a shit about cars. Having said that, I went into Fury Road expecting to hate it and came out wanting nothing more than to drive a car fast. From what I understand, cars drive fast in this movie. Let's watch it. I'll write my reactions in real time.
Prologue/Pre-Title Card Tease
- From what I can tell, the Iron Giant and Michelle Rodriguez are in Havana to get away for a while after what were surely traumatic events in Fast 6.
- They race cars. Or at least the Iron Giant is known for racing cars? Like that's what he does?
- Iron Giant sure has some great one-liners. "You make a deal, you gotta live up to it" is as good of a life lesson as one could get. But then he says something about "The only thing that matters is who's behind the wheel," which is all well and good, until thirty seconds later when he puts a tank of nos under the hood. The Iron Giant is inconsistent.
- So. Much. Phallic. Imagery. My god, this movie is dripping ceiling to floor with cocks. Did you SEE how Vin diesel attached that Cuban Nos to his cousin's Cuban Car?
- That car chase was genuinely entertaining. My heart was racing. I was not expecting that.
Charlize, if You Please
- Without the context of the first six films, Dom's initial conversation with Furiosa was absolutely baffling. What team? Brothers? Are they literally his brothers? I assume she's talking about Paul Walker? Is Paul Walker in this movie? Is this still about racing cars?
- Furiosa warns the Iron Giant that he's going to betray everything he holds dear, but that isn't surprising because the first scene established him as an incosiderate lying asshole. He broke his cousin's car just to prove he had a bigger dick than Cuban Crime Person.
- I get the sense that Furiosa is meant to be a villain of some kind, but I am unclear as to what she wants. She wants Iron Giant to be her inside man and she wants to fuck up Iron Giant's friends, but why? Rival racing gangs?
The Rock is Leading a Bunch of Pre-Teens in a Haka
- And it's great.
- To be fair, these is no bigger WMD than a crying twelve-year-old
- Why does Tim Kaine wan the Rock to go on a mission? Is the Rock a car racer, too?
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING
- LUDACRIS IS IN THESE MOVIES?
- ARE THESE PEOPLE FUCKING SPIES?
- TYRESE GIBSON ASKS, "WHAT ABOUT PHASE ONE" AND I'M LIKE "YES, PLEASE, WHAT ABOUT THAT?"
- IS TYRESE ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PREVIOUS MOVIES? LIKE QUESTIONING THEIR EXISTENCE?
- WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?
- THE IRON GIANT HAS A NUKE OR SOMETHING.
- THE ROCK HAS SEEN THAT LOOK BEFORE AND THAT'S NOT GOOD.
- THIS MOVIE IS THE MOST AMAZING MOVIE.
- Okay, so all of these people are some kind of special civilian spy unit contracted by the federal government...
- Scratch that. In the middle of writing that sentence I see that the Rock has been arrested for doing the mission he was hired by the government to do? So they aren't hired by the government? Who's going rogue? Who versus, Charlie? Who versus?
- I am missing some key piece of information and it's making me go crazy.
- Is Scott Eastwood here to be a replacement for Paul Walker? Because that's fucked.
- I would watch Statham and the Rock do Waiting For Godot.
- Wait..... Kurt Russell just released them? Because they fought each other so well?
They're All on the FBI 10 Most Wanted??
- Okay, so Charlize Theron is a computer hacker and Missandei says that she can control anything. The question is, will autonomous vehicles come into play in this movie? Because I feel like being able to drive a car well is an extension of all of these characters. But can the same be said of Charlize?
- I really thought these movies were about illegal street racers.
- I would watch Statham and The Rock do Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead.
- Cool! They called Minneapolis a major city. Thanks!
"I Got No Choice"
- Charlize is so arch in this movie. Fuck Monster, this is the best work of her career.
- That kiss. My god, that kissss.
- Is Vin Diesel a sex symbol? That's a real question. Like, how did Charlize feel about filming that scene?
- I would like to point out that there hasn't been a car chase in like half an hour, and that seems like artistic robbery.
"We've Got a Tank"
- Never mind, they have a tank.
- OH MY GOD THAT TANK IS AUTONOMOUS. FAN THEORY CONFIRMED.
- Yes, I am a fan. I love everything about this movie.
- I wonder how Clint Eastwood feels about his son being emasculated in this movie.
- Why isn't Tyrese in every movie?
It's Raining Cars
- Wait, how many wives does Iron Giant have?
- I would watch Statham and the Rock do a shot for shot remake of My Dinner with Andre. Statham could be Andre.
- Honestly, if Charlize Theron could hack the MTA to make the trains not suck I wouldn't be mad about it.
- Wait, Statham can't be dead. I refuse to believe that.
- Charlize is absolutely ruthless. Tormund is pretty freaky, too.
- It's okay that your wife died, Iron Giant, isn't that why you got a second one? #FreeMichelle
In Russia, Sub Drives You
- Oh, my God, they're in Siberia. Amazing.
- Statham is alive. Amazing.
- Statham is using a human baby as a shield. Amazing.
- Statham is daddy.
What Have We Learned?
That was way, way more entertaining than I thought it was going to be. I was ready to write this post all judgy and snarky, but no. Never. I genuinely want to watch one through seven now. The driving sequences kept me on edge, the performances were fun as a motherfucker, and the movie in general kicked ass. My Dinner With Andre can take a hike. Fast and/or Furious is where it's at.