I Haven't Seen The Fast and the Furiouses 1-7, yet Here I Am Watching Fast & Furious 8

I have never seen any installment of The Fast and the Furious. I think the first one may have been showing on a bus I was on with the sound off, but for all intents and purposes I don't know a single thing about this wildly successful franchise. From what I understand, it's all about a bunch of people who race their cars illegally. Paul Walker was the star until his untimely death, and I'm pretty sure they worked his death into Fast 7.

Now we're at Fast 8, and I can't wait to see it. Free of context, ignorant of backstory, clueless as to the entire point of these movies.

I should stress up front that My Dinner With Andre is in my top ten movies, that loud noises make me uncomfortable, and that I in general don't give a shit about cars. Having said that, I went into Fury Road expecting to hate it and came out wanting nothing more than to drive a car fast. From what I understand, cars drive fast in this movie. Let's watch it. I'll write my reactions in real time.


Prologue/Pre-Title Card Tease

  • From what I can tell, the Iron Giant and Michelle Rodriguez are in Havana to get away for a while after what were surely traumatic events in Fast 6.
  • They race cars. Or at least the Iron Giant is known for racing cars? Like that's what he does?
  • Iron Giant sure has some great one-liners. "You make a deal, you gotta live up to it" is as good of a life lesson as one could get. But then he says something about "The only thing that matters is who's behind the wheel," which is all well and good, until thirty seconds later when he puts a tank of nos under the hood. The Iron Giant is inconsistent.
  • So. Much. Phallic. Imagery. My god, this movie is dripping ceiling to floor with cocks. Did you SEE how Vin diesel attached that Cuban Nos to his cousin's Cuban Car?
  • That car chase was genuinely entertaining. My heart was racing. I was not expecting that.

Charlize, if You Please

  • Without the context of the first six films, Dom's initial conversation with Furiosa was absolutely baffling. What team? Brothers? Are they literally his brothers? I assume she's talking about Paul Walker? Is Paul Walker in this movie? Is this still about racing cars?
  • Furiosa warns the Iron Giant that he's going to betray everything he holds dear, but that isn't surprising because the first scene established him as an incosiderate lying asshole. He broke his cousin's car just to prove he had a bigger dick than Cuban Crime Person.
  • I get the sense that Furiosa is meant to be a villain of some kind, but I am unclear as to what she wants. She wants Iron Giant to be her inside man and she wants to fuck up Iron Giant's friends, but why? Rival racing gangs?

The Rock is Leading a Bunch of Pre-Teens in a Haka

  • And it's great.
  • To be fair, these is no bigger WMD than a crying twelve-year-old
  • Why does Tim Kaine wan the Rock to go on a mission? Is the Rock a car racer, too?



Going Rogue

  • Okay, so all of these people are some kind of special civilian spy unit contracted by the federal government...
  • Scratch that. In the middle of writing that sentence I see that the Rock has been arrested for doing the mission he was hired by the government to do? So they aren't hired by the government? Who's going rogue? Who versus, Charlie? Who versus?
  • I am missing some key piece of information and it's making me go crazy.
  • Is Scott Eastwood here to be a replacement for Paul Walker? Because that's fucked.
  • I would watch Statham and the Rock do Waiting For Godot.
  • Wait..... Kurt Russell just released them? Because they fought each other so well?

They're All on the FBI 10 Most Wanted??

  • Amazing.
  • Okay, so Charlize Theron is a computer hacker and Missandei says that she can control anything. The question is, will autonomous vehicles come into play in this movie? Because I feel like being able to drive a car well is an extension of all of these characters. But can the same be said of Charlize?
  • I really thought these movies were about illegal street racers.
  • I would watch Statham and The Rock do Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead.
  • Cool! They called Minneapolis a major city. Thanks!

"I Got No Choice"

  • Charlize is so arch in this movie. Fuck Monster, this is the best work of her career.
  • That kiss. My god, that kissss.
  • Is Vin Diesel a sex symbol? That's a real question. Like, how did Charlize feel about filming that scene?
  • I would like to point out that there hasn't been a car chase in like half an hour, and that seems like artistic robbery.

"We've Got a Tank"

  • Never mind, they have a tank.
  • Yes, I am a fan. I love everything about this movie.
  • I wonder how Clint Eastwood feels about his son being emasculated in this movie.
  • Why isn't Tyrese in every movie?

It's Raining Cars

  • Wait, how many wives does Iron Giant have?
  • I would watch Statham and the Rock do a shot for shot remake of My Dinner with Andre. Statham could be Andre.
  • Honestly, if Charlize Theron could hack the MTA to make the trains not suck I wouldn't be mad about it.
  • Wait, Statham can't be dead. I refuse to believe that.
  • Charlize is absolutely ruthless. Tormund is pretty freaky, too.
  • It's okay that your wife died, Iron Giant, isn't that why you got a second one? #FreeMichelle

In Russia, Sub Drives You

  • Oh, my God, they're in Siberia. Amazing.
  • Amazing.
  • Statham is alive. Amazing.
  • Statham is using a human baby as a shield. Amazing.
  • Statham is daddy.
  • Amazing.

What Have We Learned?

That was way, way more entertaining than I thought it was going to be. I was ready to write this post all judgy and snarky, but no. Never. I genuinely want to watch one through seven now. The driving sequences kept me on edge, the performances were fun as a motherfucker, and the movie in general kicked ass. My Dinner With Andre can take a hike. Fast and/or Furious is where it's at.

Here's to Joe Biden, America's First PG-13 President of Vice

Trump supporters love to point out how refreshing it is that Donald Trump "tells it like it is" and "isn't PC" and "speaks from the heart" and "tweets from the gut" and "talks from the mouth." I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's clearly something the people wanted from their politicians. The only issue I'm having is that Donald Trump was hardly the first politician to behave in this way. If all you really wanted was a straight-talker, then look no further than Number One Observatory Circle and the silver fox with the golden tongue therein.


Joe Biden. Joseph Robinette "Fuckin' Joe" Biden. My Vice President. And America's very first PG-13 politician.

I wanted Joe Biden to be President. I don't mean that once he became veep I fell in love with his freudian slips and devil may care attitude. I mean that in 2007 I was making phone calls on his behalf. Joe Biden has been a political hero of mine since I was a teenager. Why? Because as a teenager I didn't exactly care how my politicans planned to restructure the tax brackets. When I was a teenager, I liked listening to Thin Lizzy, sneaking beers, and driving around with friends. I liked Joe Biden because I got the sense that he also liked listening to Thin Lizzy, sneaking beers, and driving around with friends. In short, he told it like it was. Fuckin' Joe Biden.

Now, what makes him PG-13? The line between PG and PG-13 starts to be drawn when the conversation turns "adult" in nature. In a PG movie, the strongest vice you'll come across is some light bullying and maybe someone's grandpa dies. Your movie becomes PG-13 when sex, violence, and crudeness enter the picture. The line between PG-13 and R, on the other hand, is far thinner. To me, a movie is PG-13 if the vice is suggested, hinted at, or shown ever-so briefly. That's why you can have all the innuendo you want in a PG-13 flick and maybe you can show a buttcheek or two, and if you ask really nicely, you get the one coveted F-bomb. R movies put it right there for you to see. There's nothing left to the imagination.

Joe Biden towed that line beautifully. Yes, I know he was a remarkably talented diplomat. Yes, I know that his influence in the Senate prior to his 2008 bid was undeniable. I could give a shit. I liked Joe Biden because during his introduction speech after he was announced as Obama's guy, he referred to his wife not as "my partner" or as "my rock" or some other tepid euphemism people like Ted Cruz use. No, Joe Biden got up in front of the world and proudly told the crowd that his wife was "drop dead gorgeous." It was sexual, it was suggestive, and it was beautifully PG-13.

Joe Biden would, of course, go on to become Vice President and spend the next eight years become America's favorite Godfather. He wasn't your Drunk Uncle (that would come later), instead he was the cool guy who would give you sips of his beer when your dad wasn't looking. He would be the guy who would tell you to listen to The Stones instead "that EDM crap." If the Executive Branch were a normal business office, Joe Biden would be the guy at the water cooler for just a little bit too long. In the Obama Administration, Joe Biden was the Wild Card.

This was proven on March 23rd, 2010, when Joe Biden was given his coveted One Single F-Bomb of his term in office. On that fateful day when Barack Obama signed the Affordable Care Act into law (and in so doing allowed me to pursue my career and also saved my father's life), Joe Biden, in the World's Best Hot Mic Moment, whispered in his buddy's year, "This is a big fucking deal."

big fucking deal.jpg


And it was. And he was. Joe Biden. Fuckin' Joe "Fuckin'" Biden. He was a big PG-13 deal.

Which makes Donald Trump ascension that much harder to swallow. It's not just that Trump is a vulgarian. Trump is without question an R-rated politician. His crudeness isn't slyly suggested like Biden's. No, Donald "Pussy Grabbin'" Trump is not that subtle. Donald "There's No Problem [With The Size of my Bepis] Believe Me" Trump is not that tactful.

In writing dialogue, it's always important to make sure that the characters don't come right out and say everything they're thinking. It's way more effective for a character to say, "Coffee's good today," as opposed to, "I am sad." Donald Trump does not heed this advice. He speaks from the gut. The big, gross gut. And the words he says are not up for interpretation and can never be described as innuendo. "She said he was a 'pussy.'" "Grab 'em by the pussy." "Check out sex tape." "NOT SO SMALL."



I'll miss the age of smooth-talking Joe Biden. I'll miss the buddy cop movie that was the leadership of the Executive Branch. I'll miss having a human in that role as opposed to what we're getting with Mike Pence, who is PG in the way that movies from the 60s used to always be rated PG regardless of crude content. Mike Pence scares the living shit out of me. Joe Biden draws dicks on my face when he outdrinks me at a party. Mike Pence isn't a human being. Joe Biden is so fucking human.

Obama's politics were not my politics, and at the end of the day I wish Joe Biden had done more to drag his partner-in-crime to the left. But I will miss him. I will miss him every day. Joe Biden: Rated PG-13 for suggestive comments, mild language, and brief sexuality.