Let it All Out

I want to smoke every cigarette in every bodega in every borough.

I want to drink the way I used to drink.

I want to take every drug I swore I'd never do. I want to let them take me down river and send me out to sea. I want to drown slowly and quickly all at once. I want to see what all the fuss is about.

I want to eat junk food and cancel my gym membership. I want to watch old cartoons and regress and lose my emotional capacity to understand and relate.

I want to plug my guitar into a stack bigger than my entire apartment. I want to wake the entire block. I don't need a microphone. You will hear my screams loud enough.

I want to lock the doors, close the blinds, and break my computer with a hammer. I want to pry out every key one at a time. God damn me for believing the pen was mighty at all.

I want to fight every twenty-two year old in a tailored suit. I want to cut off every strand of hair that I see is covered in gel. I want to hurt them before they hurt me.

I want to pray to God.

I want to buy a gun and have a man in a red MAGA hat teach me how to use it. I want to gorge myself on the irony.

I want to listen to loud music and find my old xacto knife.

I want to steal a car and drive out into the desert. I want to stay there fore a while. I want my skin to burn.

I want to look my students in the eyes and tell them to go into a STEM field, or better yet just stay home. I want to tell them to wake up from their dreams. I want to assign this as homework. I want to fail them all because I already have.

I want to go back into my old journals and read the entries from November of 2008. I want to go back to that Drive-By Truckers concert the week of that election where everyone was so happy that we had a new president. I want to see my face from back then, my smile, my wide eyes. I want to put that kid in the hospital. I want to break his fingers and steal his notes and burn his college applications. God damn him for thinking the pen was mighty at all.

I want to disappoint my friends and family.

I want to hack into your e-mails and publish them anonymously. I want to do the same with mine. I want to level the playing field. I want to lift the veil. I want to see you for what you really are.

I want to burn every book in my library before someone else thinks to do so.

I want to stay in bed forever. In bed where there are no task forces, no walls, no private servers, no 3am phone calls, no nuclear codes, no red hats.

I want to give up.

I want to. But I can't. I want to. But I wont. I want to, though. Right now, I really want to.

But I can't.

I wont.

Not. Fucking. Ever.

There is work to be done.