Here's to Joe Biden, America's First PG-13 President of Vice

Trump supporters love to point out how refreshing it is that Donald Trump "tells it like it is" and "isn't PC" and "speaks from the heart" and "tweets from the gut" and "talks from the mouth." I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's clearly something the people wanted from their politicians. The only issue I'm having is that Donald Trump was hardly the first politician to behave in this way. If all you really wanted was a straight-talker, then look no further than Number One Observatory Circle and the silver fox with the golden tongue therein.


Joe Biden. Joseph Robinette "Fuckin' Joe" Biden. My Vice President. And America's very first PG-13 politician.

I wanted Joe Biden to be President. I don't mean that once he became veep I fell in love with his freudian slips and devil may care attitude. I mean that in 2007 I was making phone calls on his behalf. Joe Biden has been a political hero of mine since I was a teenager. Why? Because as a teenager I didn't exactly care how my politicans planned to restructure the tax brackets. When I was a teenager, I liked listening to Thin Lizzy, sneaking beers, and driving around with friends. I liked Joe Biden because I got the sense that he also liked listening to Thin Lizzy, sneaking beers, and driving around with friends. In short, he told it like it was. Fuckin' Joe Biden.

Now, what makes him PG-13? The line between PG and PG-13 starts to be drawn when the conversation turns "adult" in nature. In a PG movie, the strongest vice you'll come across is some light bullying and maybe someone's grandpa dies. Your movie becomes PG-13 when sex, violence, and crudeness enter the picture. The line between PG-13 and R, on the other hand, is far thinner. To me, a movie is PG-13 if the vice is suggested, hinted at, or shown ever-so briefly. That's why you can have all the innuendo you want in a PG-13 flick and maybe you can show a buttcheek or two, and if you ask really nicely, you get the one coveted F-bomb. R movies put it right there for you to see. There's nothing left to the imagination.

Joe Biden towed that line beautifully. Yes, I know he was a remarkably talented diplomat. Yes, I know that his influence in the Senate prior to his 2008 bid was undeniable. I could give a shit. I liked Joe Biden because during his introduction speech after he was announced as Obama's guy, he referred to his wife not as "my partner" or as "my rock" or some other tepid euphemism people like Ted Cruz use. No, Joe Biden got up in front of the world and proudly told the crowd that his wife was "drop dead gorgeous." It was sexual, it was suggestive, and it was beautifully PG-13.

Joe Biden would, of course, go on to become Vice President and spend the next eight years become America's favorite Godfather. He wasn't your Drunk Uncle (that would come later), instead he was the cool guy who would give you sips of his beer when your dad wasn't looking. He would be the guy who would tell you to listen to The Stones instead "that EDM crap." If the Executive Branch were a normal business office, Joe Biden would be the guy at the water cooler for just a little bit too long. In the Obama Administration, Joe Biden was the Wild Card.

This was proven on March 23rd, 2010, when Joe Biden was given his coveted One Single F-Bomb of his term in office. On that fateful day when Barack Obama signed the Affordable Care Act into law (and in so doing allowed me to pursue my career and also saved my father's life), Joe Biden, in the World's Best Hot Mic Moment, whispered in his buddy's year, "This is a big fucking deal."

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And it was. And he was. Joe Biden. Fuckin' Joe "Fuckin'" Biden. He was a big PG-13 deal.

Which makes Donald Trump ascension that much harder to swallow. It's not just that Trump is a vulgarian. Trump is without question an R-rated politician. His crudeness isn't slyly suggested like Biden's. No, Donald "Pussy Grabbin'" Trump is not that subtle. Donald "There's No Problem [With The Size of my Bepis] Believe Me" Trump is not that tactful.

In writing dialogue, it's always important to make sure that the characters don't come right out and say everything they're thinking. It's way more effective for a character to say, "Coffee's good today," as opposed to, "I am sad." Donald Trump does not heed this advice. He speaks from the gut. The big, gross gut. And the words he says are not up for interpretation and can never be described as innuendo. "She said he was a 'pussy.'" "Grab 'em by the pussy." "Check out sex tape." "NOT SO SMALL."



I'll miss the age of smooth-talking Joe Biden. I'll miss the buddy cop movie that was the leadership of the Executive Branch. I'll miss having a human in that role as opposed to what we're getting with Mike Pence, who is PG in the way that movies from the 60s used to always be rated PG regardless of crude content. Mike Pence scares the living shit out of me. Joe Biden draws dicks on my face when he outdrinks me at a party. Mike Pence isn't a human being. Joe Biden is so fucking human.

Obama's politics were not my politics, and at the end of the day I wish Joe Biden had done more to drag his partner-in-crime to the left. But I will miss him. I will miss him every day. Joe Biden: Rated PG-13 for suggestive comments, mild language, and brief sexuality.